Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Eurotrash Romeo is not necessarily European and a lot happen to be of the Arabic persuasion. But where they hail from is hardly of any importance. What's important is to know how to recognize them so you can run away as fast as possible. Luckily, that's not hard to do as they are quite easily recognizable by their peculiarly louche style: some sort of button down shirt or printed layered tees (skintight, but of course) paired with torn jeans (purchased that way) and lizard and/or snakeskin boots. They usually wear sunglasses indoors and are attached at the hip to their Blackberries. You can find them in clubs (Marquee, Midtown general area, etc.) swigging at bottles of champagne or vodka cocktails. Eurotrash Romeo does not drink beer because he's too "sophisticated" for that. They usually talk about how much money they spent on their last vacation in St. Trope or London and think that they can get in your pants just by promising to take you out to dinner at Nobu. They are generally useless human beings ...sorry, does that sound a little too judgmental? Perhaps, but I have nothing good to say about conceited Lotharios with awful taste in music.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
But leaving some poor fat loser's gyrations aside, I got to thinking about all the awkward encounters I've had with exes. Such as this past summer when my ex showed up with his new girlfriend at The Sheffield Garden Walk where he *knew* I was volunteering. That was a good time. We exchanged some snarky remarks...it was mostly him "making fun" of me for having an extensive vocabulary and my own opinions! His girlfriend in the meantime was adoringly gazing at him and keeping quiet. Which made me wonder how did I EVER let him do that to ME? I regret not keeping a similar video that he made for me at some point during our relationship because it would have been a huge hit on YouTube. All I can say is that it involved his scrawny torso and some air guitar set to "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." Just thinking about it is embarrassing...for me, that I ever dated him.
What's even more annoying, although not quite as funny, is when you run into an ex and they try to ask you out again (meaning that they try to get in your pants again.) Yeah, like that will happen. Note to all of you out there: *DO NOT* date someone that you meet at a place that you frequent often (say, like the gym...ahem)unless A. you want to stop going there or B. run the risk of running into them ALL THE TIME!
I need to move back to NYC. Stat!
Here's what I think about plastic surgery- it's ok in very minimal doses. You don't want to look like a completely different person (see Ashley Tisdale and Jennifer Grey)! And how much do you want to bet that she'd be unrecognizable if you saw a "before" photograph. She was probably quite pretty to begin with but now she just looks like any over-the-hill soap opera star/ Rock of Love 2 contestant. I think the most awful procedures one can have done are cheek implants (they look freaky!) and lip enhancement. Not done with a light hand, the latter procedure looks particularly atrocious especially because natural lips have a Cupid's bow whereas the enhanced ones just look like a stuffed sausage. And that's not pretty.
Part of this over zealous plastic surgery comes from the porn aesthetic. Once porn became more mainstream, so did the images of these hyper-sexualized and siliconed women. And some women mistakenly believe that it's what all men find attractive. But if a guy is worth it, he'll know better than to fall for a pair of boobs on a stick. In my opinion, individuality, self-esteem, and a strong personality are attractive qualities and looking like a Barbie on steroids is not. I feel sorry for those that feel the need to radically change their appearence in order to be attractive because it's clearly the result of some deep-rooted psychological issues that surgery can't fix.
*Update: This ho has her own website!! Check it out: http://www.angelabismarchi.com.br
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
You probably think that I was freezing my ass off and looked like a fool. Actually, quite the opposite. My body got used to this kind of weather and a little gust of wind does not even phase me anymore. Sure, people on the train this morning gave me more than one odd stare but I wasn't the one looking silly in my full-on winter gear (face masks, anyone?) As long as there's no blizzard I'm good to go for the rest of the winter which is AT LEAST 2 more months!! You know, as long as I don't get pneumonia...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
My problem with Valentine's day is not the intention behind it, which I find rather sweet and noble (yeah, I do have a heart...sometimes.) My problem is with the over-the-top commercialization of it. Sure, we can expect that to happen with just about everything but Valentine's Day in particular has been blown to atrocious proportions in more than one way.
First let's deal with the wonderful selection of craptastic products that you can buy. We have teddy bears, chocolate roses, boxes of chocolate, chocolate in every imaginable form, cheap lingerie, hearts everything, jewelry, cards, etc. Did you know that most lingerie during this time of year is sold to MEN? Yep. Sometimes I wonder if we're really supposed to like what they market to us. Are crotchless red lace panties *really* necessary? No. Are they sexy? Um...maybe to some men, none that I've met. And if you do wear them, what kind of message does it send? Yep, that you're a big fucking slut. I think that trashy lingerie is like the clothing equivalent of Cosmo. It doesn't really represent sexuality or kinkiness, just a packaged mainstream version of it that doesn't even scratch the surface of the human libido. It's easily accessible and digestible; it's what someone out there wants to make us believe is sexy. But there is no one sexy fits all here. But I digress. My question then is: "Does something you buy for 29.99 really represent love?" I'm not against buying gifts per se but if you are then it'd better be something thoughtful and not just something you pick up on the fly just because.
Which brings me to my next point: the pressure put on EVERYONE. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation. If you're single, you feel completely left out and inadequate because you don't have someone to take you out to dinner and give you above-mentioned crotchless panties. If you're in a relationship the pressure is even greater. So much seems to hinge on this fateful date of February 14. You do too little and you're fucked (not in the good way), you do too much and then you're fucked too! It seems that Valentine's Day is the be all or end all of relationships. And if you make it through with your heart and head still in one piece then "Congratufuckinglations."
If you were thinking that by the end of this I'll have offered some advice or solutions to this plight then I'm sorry to disappoint you. All I can hope for is that I won't lose my head entirely...at least until the next big holiday!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
"Fifty years later, does America need a stupider motto?
Fortunately, in the very nick of time, legislators realized the true cause of the crisis: America's national motto wasn't stupid enough. Like all of the country's other woes, this disaster could ultimately be traced back to that most sinister of Americans, Thomas Jefferson. The same treacherous impulses that led him to betray his rightful King also inevitably prompted him to sabotage the fledgling nation by giving it the worst possible state motto: E pluribus unum. Not only was this an unforgivably pompous classical reference, its subversive message-- "out of many, one--" would result in a catastrophic tradition of escalating tolerance and unity that was doomed to tear the country apart in less than two hundred years.
With Jefferson's nefarious plan finally revealed, the government was faced with the challenge of selecting a stupider, less tolerant motto to more accurately embody the national character. A list was compiled of various candidates such as "no loitering," "if you're so smart why ain't you rich?" and "whites only." However, at last "In God we trust," a judiciously recycled version of the Confederate States of America's motto "God will vindicate," was chosen for its historical resonance, potential for divisiveness, and general inappropriateness. Legislators also remarked favorably on its weirdly bass-ackwards phrasing, "which calls to mind the speech of a comical Chinaman, or of some type of puppet from a science fiction serial of some kind." The motto proved its worth immediately, as its blandly pious presence on American currency spurred an unparalleled economic boom, resulting in an age of renewed prosperity that lasted until the Carter years.
Yet now, five decades later, threats to America are on the rise once more. There's the war on Christmas, of course; and also Iraq's unprovoked invasion of the United States, which continues to cost the lives of American soldiers. Iran and North Korea could launch a nuclear attack on American cities at any time, if indeed they haven't already, and Mexicans continue to occur. Is it once again time to safeguard ourselves with a new, even stupider motto? Perhaps "In God and Jesus we trust really; in fact their voices inside our heads we often hear," or "are you ready for some football?!""
Friday, January 11, 2008
1. HE WANTS A GIRL WHO CAN TURN HERSELF ON
No, duh? Really? You mean I can have sex AND masturbate at the same time? Aaaaand moving on...
2. HE WANTS SEX TO BE FUN
Because you know...girls want sex to be boring.
3. HE WANTS YOU TO DROP HINTS
What other earth shattering discoveries will Cosmo come up with? Maybe...
4. HE WANTS TO WATCH
Ohmygawd! I had no clue! (*rolls eyes*)
5. HE WANTS YOU TO BE NAUGHTY
This is just getting repetitive at this point.
6. HE WANTS A "WOW, WHAT WAS THAT?" EXPERIENCE
"If you've mastered one particular technique that's really hot and different, the entire erotic experience will stand out in his mind," explains psychologist Joel Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie.
Now, you don't have to bust out a complicated trick best used by yoga instructors — just tweak an old standby, say, switching between oral sex and intercourse...with him blindfolded.
7. HE WANTS TO MIX THINGS UP
Is this over yet? I might just have to fake it to get out of this.
8. HE WANTS NOOKY OUT OF NOWHERE
9. HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU
Gee, I really hope so.
10. HE WANTS TO DO NOTHING SOMETIMES
Like just sit on the couch and watch football?
Ok, so what did we learn from all this? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Cosmo gives sex advice as given by a 5th grader. It's a complete waste of time so don't even bother (that's why I do the dirty work) with it. Really, honestly...it's not worth it.
"My wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and take part in some pretty heavy activities. One we haven’t tried but are anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous membranes, e.g., nostrils, clit, and anal tissues. Our question: what would we use to cool the burn should the application of Tabasco sauce to her anus or clit prove to be too much for her to endure? —Master & Servant"
"Re: Tabasco sauce.The active ingredient in Tabasco is capsaicin and it's an acidic amide. It works by depolarizing the brain's neurons. Ok, so what does that mean? It f***ing stings! Milk is actually a good remedy because it has a basic pH which neutralizes acidity. Another option is lidocaine gel, which competes with the capsaicin brain receptors. Good luck."
I'm so glad my chemistry degree finally proved to be useful!
I also encourage everyone to read the Savage Love column, if you aren't already.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Just imagine...this is what Jessica Simspon saw every night she was with him! Which brings me to the question: "Can you fake guitar face?"
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Ok, so this is for all of you Batman fanatics out there (and I *know* there are some boys among you that just worship this man). Much like a double espresso, a double shot of Christian Bale does not disappoint. Plus, it's been a while since the last "Man Candy" installment.
*Update: It has been called to my attention that Christian Bale is "so much more than Batman." This is what a fellow chemskank had to say:
"His boyhood hip thrusts in Newsies make you want to break a certain statutory rape law."
Monday, January 7, 2008
So here's my dilemma. Although I dislike their ad campaigns and seeming objectification of women, I kinda also dig their clothes. Not all of them, of course. You'll never see me running around in previously mentioned thong unitard or gold lame leggings but the rest of the stuff is basic and perfect for mixing and matching. For example, they have this amazing cotton dress that can be worn at least a dozen different ways that became part of my summer wardrobe. Another one I really really like is the color-block scoop neck dress. Their tshirts are amazingly soft and fit like a glove. And yet, whenever anyone asks where I bought the dress/shirt I'm wearing, my head lowers in shame as I whisper "American Apparel." Should I really be ashamed of it? IT'S JUST A SHIRT! As long as I don't act and look like a cheap slut I think it's ok. Plus, spending 20 bucks on a cotton tshirt is justifiable when you know it wasn't made by a ten year old Malaysian girl getting paid a couple of cents a day for her labor.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Radar tackles the entire range of pop culture, politics, and fashion. It is smart, irreverent, and not afraid to turn a critical eye on everything and everyone. Unlike Vice, it is more accessible to the general public but that is not to say that it sacrifices wit for accessibility. On the contrary, the articles and photospreads are more socially relevant to American (and global) culture as a whole than Vice’s self-indulgent hipsterdom.
But reader beware, if you’re looking for something to read while running on the treadmill or passing time at the hair salon this is not for you. Radar requires some active reading and thinking. Attention to detail is paramount; the mag is filled with small columns alongside its meatier fare but overlooking them would be a shame. I’d also suggest that you read it in the privacy of your own home since about 50% of the content will cause uncontrollable fits of laughter. Unless you like public humiliation, of course. My favorite regular columns are by far “The Radar 100” and “Sindex.”
The latest issue, in a nod to Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove, features G.W. riding a nuke (bourbon and Bible in hand, bien sur). Brilliant!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
OK, so 2008 is here. Time for resolutions, right? Please, don’t make me laugh. What’s the point of them? Most people break their resolutions anyway so making them in the first place is just wishful thinking (not to mention a waste of 5 minutes.) As if some arbitrarily appointed time reference is somehow going to affect our willpower! I’m most annoyed with people trying to lead a healthier lifestyle…because ringing in the new year with a boozy party is definitely the best way to start off on the right foot. Two years ago in college I actually stuck to the healthy thing…for about 2 weeks. Then school started and the late-night debauchery began. Complete with 3 AM fast food runs. Since then I just gave up on it. And so should you! Living a life of moderation is best left for the 40-something crowd. You’ve got your whole adult life ahead to be responsible so enjoy a little irresponsibility while you still can.
Now *that’s* a resolution I can stick to!