The Enemy of All That's Good and Holy in the World

How do I hate thee, Nickelback? Let me count the ways.
I actually only hate Nickelback because they and their music sucks. All of their songs sound EXACTLY the same: the same chord progression, the same rhythm, and the same mind-numbingly stupid lyrics. Here’s a sample of their eloquence:

“Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head.”

What is that even supposed to mean? Nickelback is the carefully packaged product of the same record industry that has produced other musical gems such as Creed and Daughtry. Thank god Creed is now defunct because it makes choosing the worst band currently in existence that much easier. (hint: it starts with an N)
Now I’m not some kind of musical elitist since I listen to a wide range of genres and everyone’s entitled to have their opinion. But with all due respect, if you like Nickelback then you’re a fucking retard. No disrespect to the mentally handicapped.

Some bands out there I have a smidge of respect for because even though they fail, at least they try to do something different. But Nickelback churns out the same festering turd of a song time and time again. Bands like Radiohead, for example, do have a distinct sound that makes them undeniably recognizable but they’re also innovative musically, always pushing the envelope. The only thing that Nickelback manages to push is my buttons.

My question is: Who listens to this music?? I mean, some people have to purchase their records since they’re doing so well. I don’t want to believe that Americans, as a whole, have such shitty-ass taste in music. I need some answers!

Don't You Just Want To Look Like This Woman?

That's Angela Bismarchi, 36. She's a Brazilian "model"/glorified stripper who's on a quest to set a world record for most plastic surgeries performed on a person. She's already had 41 over the past 15 years and is going for number 42! She's also been married to 2 plastic surgeons (golddigger!) Angela claims that getting plastic surgery makes her feel "sensual and sexy." I'm feeling stabby already and it's only 10 AM. This is not good.

Here's what I think about plastic surgery- it's ok in very minimal doses. You don't want to look like a completely different person (see Ashley Tisdale and Jennifer Grey)! And how much do you want to bet that she'd be unrecognizable if you saw a "before" photograph. She was probably quite pretty to begin with but now she just looks like any over-the-hill soap opera star/ Rock of Love 2 contestant. I think the most awful procedures one can have done are cheek implants (they look freaky!) and lip enhancement. Not done with a light hand, the latter procedure looks particularly atrocious especially because natural lips have a Cupid's bow whereas the enhanced ones just look like a stuffed sausage. And that's not pretty.

Part of this over zealous plastic surgery comes from the porn aesthetic. Once porn became more mainstream, so did the images of these hyper-sexualized and siliconed women. And some women mistakenly believe that it's what all men find attractive. But if a guy is worth it, he'll know better than to fall for a pair of boobs on a stick. In my opinion, individuality, self-esteem, and a strong personality are attractive qualities and looking like a Barbie on steroids is not. I feel sorry for those that feel the need to radically change their appearence in order to be attractive because it's clearly the result of some deep-rooted psychological issues that surgery can't fix.

*Update: This ho has her own website!! Check it out: http://www.angelabismarchi.com.br

Love Stinks

The countdown to Valentine's Day has begun. Less than a month to go! Do you know what you're giving your sweetheart this year? Maybe that box of artfully wrapped chocolates, or a pair of red boxers with pink hearts on them? All wonderful choices that *truly* express your feelings of love.


My problem with Valentine's day is not the intention behind it, which I find rather sweet and noble (yeah, I do have a heart...sometimes.) My problem is with the over-the-top commercialization of it. Sure, we can expect that to happen with just about everything but Valentine's Day in particular has been blown to atrocious proportions in more than one way.

First let's deal with the wonderful selection of craptastic products that you can buy. We have teddy bears, chocolate roses, boxes of chocolate, chocolate in every imaginable form, cheap lingerie, hearts everything, jewelry, cards, etc. Did you know that most lingerie during this time of year is sold to MEN? Yep. Sometimes I wonder if we're really supposed to like what they market to us. Are crotchless red lace panties *really* necessary? No. Are they sexy? Um...maybe to some men, none that I've met. And if you do wear them, what kind of message does it send? Yep, that you're a big fucking slut. I think that trashy lingerie is like the clothing equivalent of Cosmo. It doesn't really represent sexuality or kinkiness, just a packaged mainstream version of it that doesn't even scratch the surface of the human libido. It's easily accessible and digestible; it's what someone out there wants to make us believe is sexy. But there is no one sexy fits all here. But I digress. My question then is: "Does something you buy for 29.99 really represent love?" I'm not against buying gifts per se but if you are then it'd better be something thoughtful and not just something you pick up on the fly just because.

Which brings me to my next point: the pressure put on EVERYONE. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation. If you're single, you feel completely left out and inadequate because you don't have someone to take you out to dinner and give you above-mentioned crotchless panties. If you're in a relationship the pressure is even greater. So much seems to hinge on this fateful date of February 14. You do too little and you're fucked (not in the good way), you do too much and then you're fucked too! It seems that Valentine's Day is the be all or end all of relationships. And if you make it through with your heart and head still in one piece then "Congratufuckinglations."

If you were thinking that by the end of this I'll have offered some advice or solutions to this plight then I'm sorry to disappoint you. All I can hope for is that I won't lose my head entirely...at least until the next big holiday!

What the F**k?

It's a sad, sad day for music. They just announced the top-selling albums of 2007 and the #1 spot goes to...Daughtry? WTF? I don't actually know anyone who listens to this shit (or maybe I do but I'd rather not think about it.) Actually, I can't even tell the difference between Nickelback, Creed, Daughtry, and other generic rock bands. They're just SO mediocre and unmemorable, it all sounds the same to me. It's not like the music is that God-awful but the fact that it's so utterly and undeniably AVERAGE makes me hate it. HATE!

Liberals v. Conservatives, Good v. Evil?

Sometimes I like reading conservative news blogs, just to remind myself (smugly) how lucky I am to be a liberal. I used to get severely upset and angry whenever I heard or read stuff like that but now I'm more than amused by their reductive rhetoric. So here are a bunch of quotes from Neal Boortz which I took the liberty to comment on

"Liberals operate from a foundation of emotion and feelings. Conservatives operate from a foundation of logic and thoughts."
Conservatives might want to double-check their facts before making any logical deductions. Logically sound arguments are not necessarily true, thoughts are not necessarily germane. Emotion and feelings such as empathy are what makes us human so making decisions not based on them renders us inhuman.

"Liberals view people in terms of their membership in groups. Conservatives view people are individuals." Conservatives also view corporations as individuals.

"The poor are not the "less fortunate." They are instead, the "more irresponsible." They put themselves there, and they drag their children into that status with them. They are the "less prepared," the "less diligent," and the "less able." They weren't unlucky. They did it to themselves."
Wow, the number of fallacies in this quote is staggering!!! Where is your foundation of logic, dude? Yes, I suppose that Paris Hilton, born in the lap of luxury, is somehow "more able" than a brilliant person born in poverty. That's not luck, it's fucking social Darwinism at work, obviously. Paris Hilton is rich because she was diligent and responsible. Hah!

Oh, and there's so much more. Unfortunately I don't have the time for it since I have to go on living my emotional, a-moral lifestyle. Sheesh