Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ask Chemskank

Here's a random collection of advice I've given my friends and miscellaneous thoughts, in no particular order but I've numbered them for organizational purposes (previously posted on Facebook)

1. Never push strippers down escalators

2. Revenge is a dish best served cold

3. When it comes to men: even if you have nothing to do, keep yourself busy

4. Fashion (not directed at anyone in particular):
When in doubt, wear black.
Crocs are NEVER EVER acceptable footwear.
Big boobs+big shirts= not cute
Buy clothes that FIT, I don't care that it's 70% off. Muffin tops are never attractive.
Less is more especially when it comes to make-up, tans, and cleavage.
Unless you want to be compared to Britney Spears, wear underwear.
Take risks every once in a while.

5. If you're thinking about doing something bitchy but have doubts about it, do it anyway.

6. Act like you're the most badass girl in town (it works for me)

7. Get drunk but make sure you have friends around that can take care of you

8. Stealing someone's significant other is NOT ok.

9. If you're gonna cheat, make sure you don't get caught.

10. Be nice to bouncers, it pays off.

11. Just because someone buys you a drink doesn't mean that you have any obligations to him.

12. Boyfriends come and go but friends are forever (unless they try to steal your man, in which case they weren't your friend to begin with)

13. Don't follow any of the advice you read in Cosmo.

14. If you have serious doubts about your relationship then it's probably best to end it. Also, if you THINK he's cheating, he probably is. Drop him.

15. Never let a man walk all over you and put you down. If he does then he's insecure and trying to make himself feel better. Drop him.

16. "No" means "NO!"

17. Take the road less traveled, even if that means just taking a different route home.

18. Don't sleep with an ex (you know who you are)

19. If you're gonna be bad, do it RIGHT.

20. Moderate moderation

21. Nothing tastes as good as being thin...except chocolate, pizza, steak, cookies, ice cream, mashed potatoes, pasta, cake, uh yeah...pretty much everything.

22. Embrace at least 2 vices. Some suggestions: booze, sex, cigarettes, trashy reads, religion.
vices, courtesy of the fabulous Vice magazine

23. You can't apply logic to crazy

Expensive Things

This dress is absolutely stunning...if you're tan. Of course, for $3295 you can probably spend a week tanning in Cancun and drape an artfully cut sheet over yourself for the same effect. Pretty, though.

Crimes against fasion

I spent my lunchtime musing about a post on Uggs (more like FUggs) when lo and behold, I stumbled across this article in the Daily Mail. Perfect! So not only are they a crime against fashion but also against feet.
Why would anyone want to wear something so hideous? Why would you want to make your ankles look as wide as your thighs and your feet to look misshapen? Why would you want to ruin a perfectly good outfit with those monstrosities? So many questions, hardly any answers.

I can't believe people still wear these things. It's so...2003 of them. Except unlike some trend revivals (say, 50's style dresses) Uggs were never flattering or all that cool to begin with. It seems like only yesterday every other freshman girl in college was prancing around in them, worn with denim miniskirts in 30 degree weather of course. I never understood their appeal and at 200 bucks a pair I didn't CARE to find out.

Alas, what with all the return to elegance and ladylike fashion I thought these would be banished to the Fashion Purgatory along with overalls and scuncies. But sadly it wasn't so. Although not as ubiqutous as they once were, they are still around. A favorite pairing seems to be with bootleg jeans and Northface fleece. *Barf* Don't EVEN get me started on Northface, that deserves a post of its own. But back to Uggs: the sad thing is that the stores are brimming with attractive, comfortable (yay for flats!), and affordable boots yet people still choose to buy a sheepskin cast for their feet.

I dare anyone to find a pair of Uggs on the catwalks of New York or Paris. That's right, there are none.

Man Candy

Let's take a minute out of our busy lives and enjoy the perfection that is Gabriel Garcia Bernal: the messed up hair, the soulful eyes, those pouty lips. What's not to love?
And on a cold day like this we can all use a little hotness.

Complaint of the day

The Weather.
It's not even December yet and it feels like it's the dead of winter (minus the damn snow, thank god!). 25 degrees plus the wind chill makes it feel like 7. On my way to work my fingers almost fell off. Ok, so maybe it wouldn't have been that bad if I was in some ski lodge with a cup of hot chocolate, lounging on a bear skin rug (I love those things) but when you have to commute to work with about a million other people and the line at Starbucks is a mile long it's not so much fun. Then there's the static...

On the upside, I get to wear my fabulous winter boots from Paris. La di fuckn da


...yeah, right. So after much anticipation I finally started my own blog. What is the world coming to? This is partly a distraction from the Judicial Code of Ethics review and the law school application process. So far I have no clue what direction this thing will go in but I'll just play it by ear. Most likely, you can be sure to find random bitchings about whatever happens to be irking me (and trust me, there is A LOT).

So enjoy, biatches. XOXO