Lucky Answers All The Questions You Didn't Ask

Leave it to Lucky magazine to state the obvious. Today they give us "the perfect" beach cover up.
It's a sarong. How novel. It actually doesn't even go with any of the bikinis I own! Something in a solid color would have been a much better choice. On the upside, it costs only 35 bucks. Not too bad.

Who are these people working at Lucky?

Attack of the Khaki Klones

If that sounds like the name of a camp horror movie it’s because it might as well be. For some reason the climbing temperatures bring out the legions of pleat-front khaki wearing men. When walking down the street one is confronted with a veritable army of drab. Goddamn the Gap and their aggressive ad campaigns on the mid-90s in which they tried to push khakis onto EVERYONE. It seems to have really caught on with the male. I’m not opposed to the idea of khaki pants per se because they can look good if they have a flat-front and are paired with a cool linen shirt or blazer. Oh yes, and they are not wrinkled or worn with those loafers not even my grandpa would buy (my grandpa, btw, is a very stylish man who has a thing for fedoras and trench coats a la The Untouchables which he pulls off because he's part old school way of dressing)

Why I Hate North Face- And Other Stories

Confession: I judge people on how they look. So fucking sue me. Everyone does it, like it or not. Oh but you're gonna say "It's not the way you look that matters, it's what you can bring to the table" blah blah blah. The harsh reality is that you're never going to make it to the table if you look like a total slob. So suck it up. Well, outside a professional environment outward appearences shouldn't matter so much. But I find that making snap judgments based on people's outfits saves me a lot of trouble and time. There's a few things that tip me off to the nature of a person so I know right away that they're probably someone that I don't want to associate myself with. So let's get to it.

1. North Face fleece jackets- ubiquitous on college campuses nationwide. There's an especially high concetration of them at sports bars around Wrigley Field on both men and women. First of all, these were made for athletes and mountain climbers. So unless you're an athlete or mountain climber there's no real good reason to wear one. Chicago weather being what it is, a fleece jacket might be useful BUT with so many more stylish options out there why settle for North Face (not to mention that they are WAY overpriced.)
And when like over half of the people at a bar are wearing the same thing why would you want to be one of them and blend in? Where's the originality? Fashion is supposed to be a form of self expression. Wearing the same thing as everyone else sends the message that you're not creative or have an individual sense of style.

2. Uggs- Jesus, I don't want to go over this again.

3. Popped collars- make me wanna throw up a little in my mouth. Most places are not a frat house, so save this "style statement" for the next kegger, not the real world.

4. Too short jeans/pants- really now...most pants can altered to fit properly. There's no excuse. If they're too short just don't buy them. It's as simple as that.

5. Anything with writing on the ass- it's just really trashy and also not 2003 anymore. It's a beg for the wrong kind of attention.

6. Too tight/too shiny/too low/too short/too whore-y
This very broad category includes exposed bras, too much cleavage, caked-on makeup, "bra bulge," nipples, anything that shows off a tramp stamp, hooker heels, and anything purchased at Discovery Clothing.

So by following the above guidelines you too can avoid talking to people that are clearly not worth your time. I believe that clothes are a reflection of the person wearing them and sooner or later their true trashy personality will show even tho it may not be immediately apparent.

Fashion Misdemeanors

Ah, springtime in the big city. It is now that the air gets heavier and heavier with pollution and the sound of construction resonates in my ears 24/7. Truly one of the best times of the year. But along with sunshine comes a deplorable sense of fashion. You'd think that this is the time to break out the flirty dresses and peep toe shoes. NOPE! Here I've compiled a list of the most retinally offensive clothing I can imagine for the season:


FLORAL SKIRTS- not just ANY kind of floral skirts because the idea of floral skirts is quite lovely. I'm talking about ghosts of Easters past: dowdy, shapeless. and generally unflattering. For full effect pair with sheer black hose and ratty gym shoes.
RX: get thee a nice pair of flats/sandals and an A-line skirt that hit right below the knees. Ditch the sheer hose, invest in self-tanner.

KHAKI PANTS- how I missed thee, tapered, high waisted khaki pants! It's the return of the mom jean. And the pleats! Also de rigeur are a pink striped polo and "sensible" (aka ugly) sandals. Optional: short bowl cut or mom shag.
RX: flat front, flat front, flat front. And straight/bootcut legs. Also, ballet flats.


GYM SHOES W/SKIRTS- see above. What is wrong with people!!!??? OMFG!
RX: BALLET FLATS...cannot emphasize enough


CAPRI PANTS- not acceptable on anyone over a size 8-10, particularly if they're baggy and hit mid calf.
RX: may I suggest a nice bonfire under the highway?

Fashion Victims

Beyonce- really, really pretty girl. But sista needs to not let her mama choose her outfits. Seriously, does she OWN a mirror? The first outfit looks divine in comparison to the follow-ups. Sure, it's a little Ice Princess Barbie for my taste but she pulls it off and it shows off her itty bitty waist.

The same can't be said about the second one. Hello, Jolly Green Giant! The thought process behind this outfit goes something like this:
"Ok, what can I wear that's going to highlight my thighs and completely destroy my fab figure? I KNOW! An acid green leotard, of course. But wait, it's not enough. It needs MORE...perhaps a black lace jacket? Yes, that's perfect. Matador-cum-split pea soup is so hot right now."

Final outfit is a much needed improvement. But alas, she still doesn't understand the concept of proportion. This may look good on a malnourised 15-year old Eastern European model but not on a real woman, with real curves. Put something on that cuts you off at the widest part of your body and that's all people will see. The decoltage is lovely though. And props to her for ditching the hair extensions although I'm not loving the blond. She looks so much better with brown hair.

Oh B, we love you but we're not crazy in love with those clothes. You're a diva and your clothes just don't reflect that. They look cheap and a tad Vegas showgirl, and that's not something you want to emulate. Next time take a look around: Alicia Keys...FIERCE! Gwen Stefani...FIERCE! Rihanna... FIERCE! You can be fierce too, B. I know you can. Just put down the bedazzler and get your bootylicious self to Barneys.

FUggs

The boots I love to hate have done it yet again! This time it's even worse. And I thought it couldn't get any Ugglier. The over-the-knee version is even more hideous and less flattering than regular ones. Now you can make your whole leg, from ankle to thigh look like a big fucking tree stump! Hooray. Wait a second, I thought fashion was supposed to be flattering and functional. There's nothing about these boots that's either flattering OR functional (imagine trying to get those babies off at airport security)

However, I if see them in a store I will for sure try them on and post a picture, just for shits and giggles.

Crimes against fasion

I spent my lunchtime musing about a post on Uggs (more like FUggs) when lo and behold, I stumbled across this article in the Daily Mail. Perfect! So not only are they a crime against fashion but also against feet.
Why would anyone want to wear something so hideous? Why would you want to make your ankles look as wide as your thighs and your feet to look misshapen? Why would you want to ruin a perfectly good outfit with those monstrosities? So many questions, hardly any answers.

I can't believe people still wear these things. It's so...2003 of them. Except unlike some trend revivals (say, 50's style dresses) Uggs were never flattering or all that cool to begin with. It seems like only yesterday every other freshman girl in college was prancing around in them, worn with denim miniskirts in 30 degree weather of course. I never understood their appeal and at 200 bucks a pair I didn't CARE to find out.

Alas, what with all the return to elegance and ladylike fashion I thought these would be banished to the Fashion Purgatory along with overalls and scuncies. But sadly it wasn't so. Although not as ubiqutous as they once were, they are still around. A favorite pairing seems to be with bootleg jeans and Northface fleece. *Barf* Don't EVEN get me started on Northface, that deserves a post of its own. But back to Uggs: the sad thing is that the stores are brimming with attractive, comfortable (yay for flats!), and affordable boots yet people still choose to buy a sheepskin cast for their feet.

I dare anyone to find a pair of Uggs on the catwalks of New York or Paris. That's right, there are none.