Thursday, April 24, 2008

Fashion Misdemeanors

Ah, springtime in the big city. It is now that the air gets heavier and heavier with pollution and the sound of construction resonates in my ears 24/7. Truly one of the best times of the year. But along with sunshine comes a deplorable sense of fashion. You'd think that this is the time to break out the flirty dresses and peep toe shoes. NOPE! Here I've compiled a list of the most retinally offensive clothing I can imagine for the season:

FLORAL SKIRTS- not just ANY kind of floral skirts because the idea of floral skirts is quite lovely. I'm talking about ghosts of Easters past: dowdy, shapeless. and generally unflattering. For full effect pair with sheer black hose and ratty gym shoes.
RX: get thee a nice pair of flats/sandals and an A-line skirt that hit right below the knees. Ditch the sheer hose, invest in self-tanner.

KHAKI PANTS- how I missed thee, tapered, high waisted khaki pants! It's the return of the mom jean. And the pleats! Also de rigeur are a pink striped polo and "sensible" (aka ugly) sandals. Optional: short bowl cut or mom shag.
RX: flat front, flat front, flat front. And straight/bootcut legs. Also, ballet flats.

GYM SHOES W/SKIRTS- see above. What is wrong with people!!!??? OMFG!
RX: BALLET FLATS...cannot emphasize enough

CAPRI PANTS- not acceptable on anyone over a size 8-10, particularly if they're baggy and hit mid calf.
RX: may I suggest a nice bonfire under the highway?

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