The Enemy of All That's Good and Holy in the World

How do I hate thee, Nickelback? Let me count the ways.
I actually only hate Nickelback because they and their music sucks. All of their songs sound EXACTLY the same: the same chord progression, the same rhythm, and the same mind-numbingly stupid lyrics. Here’s a sample of their eloquence:

“Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head.”

What is that even supposed to mean? Nickelback is the carefully packaged product of the same record industry that has produced other musical gems such as Creed and Daughtry. Thank god Creed is now defunct because it makes choosing the worst band currently in existence that much easier. (hint: it starts with an N)
Now I’m not some kind of musical elitist since I listen to a wide range of genres and everyone’s entitled to have their opinion. But with all due respect, if you like Nickelback then you’re a fucking retard. No disrespect to the mentally handicapped.

Some bands out there I have a smidge of respect for because even though they fail, at least they try to do something different. But Nickelback churns out the same festering turd of a song time and time again. Bands like Radiohead, for example, do have a distinct sound that makes them undeniably recognizable but they’re also innovative musically, always pushing the envelope. The only thing that Nickelback manages to push is my buttons.

My question is: Who listens to this music?? I mean, some people have to purchase their records since they’re doing so well. I don’t want to believe that Americans, as a whole, have such shitty-ass taste in music. I need some answers!

Bret Michaels Has Great Taste In Music

And now something completely different. In my constant struggle to avoid work (it takes more stamina and perseverence than one may think), I came across Bret Michaels’ list of top summer songs on People.com. It’s wonderfully bad! I mean, he fulfilled the stereotype of a stripper-loving, meathead and his choice of music in no way detracts from it.

1.Sweet Home Alabama- the only song I can actually get behind. This is in fact a classic.
2. You Shook Me All Night Long- maybe if I’m seriously sloshed
3. Anything But Mine- Kenney Chesney who? Oh right, that dude who married Renne Zelwegger for a hot minute.
4. Feels Like Tonight- Daughtry…barf
5. Cowboy- Kid Rock was last popular….never?
6. Photograph/Rockstar- Nickelback embodies everything wrong with the music business today.

On a side note, he is and was so horribly unattractive. He wasn't hot even during Poison's heyday. Give me Jon Bon Jovi anytime. And what is up with the bandana/extensions combo? Even though the guy's a total douche his show is endlessly entertaining. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Rock of Love 3 because I want to see how they're going to top Rock of Love 2 (maybe all the contestants will be strippers/porn stars?)

Bitch and the City

Sometimes I really like Sarah Jessica Parker (like when she called out Maxim magazine naming her the least attractive woman on the planet) and sometimes I really don’t. This is about the latter. She made such a big fucking deal over her SATC premiere dress. Apparently, Olivier Theyskens (creative director of Nina Ricci) assured her that her dress had never been worn before. It turns out that he was lying and that some no-name socialite wore it to the Met Ball. So what? First of all, NOBODY even remembers seeing the dress before. You’re Sarah Jessica Parker for fuck’s sake so if anyone down the line will wonder who wore that dress, most likely they’ll think of you and not some socialite. How incredibly shallow of you (not to mention that the dress was most likely free!) I held you to a higher standard and you’ve let me down.