Man Candy

"Talk to me boy
No disrespect, I don't mean no harm
Talk to me boy
But I can't wait to have you in my arms
Talk to me boy
Hurry up cause you're taking too long
Talk to me boy
Better have you naked by the end of this song."

Pathetic Losers- part 2

The Eurotrash Romeo is one of the first types of guys to avoid if you're looking for someone with any sense of moderation and decency. On the other hand, if what turns you on is a particular brand of douchiness and poor taste in clothing and music then by all means go ahead (see below for example.) Chemskank, however, is not impressed by their suave dance moves and perfectly gelled hair.


Eurotrash Romeo is not necessarily European and a lot happen to be of the Arabic persuasion. But where they hail from is hardly of any importance. What's important is to know how to recognize them so you can run away as fast as possible. Luckily, that's not hard to do as they are quite easily recognizable by their peculiarly louche style: some sort of button down shirt or printed layered tees (skintight, but of course) paired with torn jeans (purchased that way) and lizard and/or snakeskin boots. They usually wear sunglasses indoors and are attached at the hip to their Blackberries. You can find them in clubs (Marquee, Midtown general area, etc.) swigging at bottles of champagne or vodka cocktails. Eurotrash Romeo does not drink beer because he's too "sophisticated" for that. They usually talk about how much money they spent on their last vacation in St. Trope or London and think that they can get in your pants just by promising to take you out to dinner at Nobu. They are generally useless human beings ...sorry, does that sound a little too judgmental? Perhaps, but I have nothing good to say about conceited Lotharios with awful taste in music.

Man Candy

OK, I need something to take my mind off awful plastic surgery and pathetic exes. Enter Roger Federer, my future husband. Unfortunately, he lost at the Australian Open. "Don't worry boo, I still love you! You'll always be *my* number one."

"Pathetic Losers"

Gothamist couldn't have said it better: "Chicago is a haunted city for most of us, what with ex-friends and ex-lovers floating around like so much litter in the gutter. Seriously, who lets these people out into the streets?" The accompanying video is hilarious, I recommend watching up to 3:30ish, before the dude takes his shirt off. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT!

But leaving some poor fat loser's gyrations aside, I got to thinking about all the awkward encounters I've had with exes. Such as this past summer when my ex showed up with his new girlfriend at The Sheffield Garden Walk where he *knew* I was volunteering. That was a good time. We exchanged some snarky remarks...it was mostly him "making fun" of me for having an extensive vocabulary and my own opinions! His girlfriend in the meantime was adoringly gazing at him and keeping quiet. Which made me wonder how did I EVER let him do that to ME? I regret not keeping a similar video that he made for me at some point during our relationship because it would have been a huge hit on YouTube. All I can say is that it involved his scrawny torso and some air guitar set to "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." Just thinking about it is embarrassing...for me, that I ever dated him.

What's even more annoying, although not quite as funny, is when you run into an ex and they try to ask you out again (meaning that they try to get in your pants again.) Yeah, like that will happen. Note to all of you out there: *DO NOT* date someone that you meet at a place that you frequent often (say, like the gym...ahem)unless A. you want to stop going there or B. run the risk of running into them ALL THE TIME!

I need to move back to NYC. Stat!

Don't You Just Want To Look Like This Woman?

That's Angela Bismarchi, 36. She's a Brazilian "model"/glorified stripper who's on a quest to set a world record for most plastic surgeries performed on a person. She's already had 41 over the past 15 years and is going for number 42! She's also been married to 2 plastic surgeons (golddigger!) Angela claims that getting plastic surgery makes her feel "sensual and sexy." I'm feeling stabby already and it's only 10 AM. This is not good.

Here's what I think about plastic surgery- it's ok in very minimal doses. You don't want to look like a completely different person (see Ashley Tisdale and Jennifer Grey)! And how much do you want to bet that she'd be unrecognizable if you saw a "before" photograph. She was probably quite pretty to begin with but now she just looks like any over-the-hill soap opera star/ Rock of Love 2 contestant. I think the most awful procedures one can have done are cheek implants (they look freaky!) and lip enhancement. Not done with a light hand, the latter procedure looks particularly atrocious especially because natural lips have a Cupid's bow whereas the enhanced ones just look like a stuffed sausage. And that's not pretty.

Part of this over zealous plastic surgery comes from the porn aesthetic. Once porn became more mainstream, so did the images of these hyper-sexualized and siliconed women. And some women mistakenly believe that it's what all men find attractive. But if a guy is worth it, he'll know better than to fall for a pair of boobs on a stick. In my opinion, individuality, self-esteem, and a strong personality are attractive qualities and looking like a Barbie on steroids is not. I feel sorry for those that feel the need to radically change their appearence in order to be attractive because it's clearly the result of some deep-rooted psychological issues that surgery can't fix.

*Update: This ho has her own website!! Check it out: http://www.angelabismarchi.com.br

Man Candy

Your (somewhat) daily dose of male hotness! Ewan McGregor! I could go on and on about his gorgeous green-blue eyes (man, I'm a sucker for those!) Honestly, the *only* reason I watched Star Wards Episode 1 was because of him. It doesn't hurt that he was absolutely brilliant in Trainspotting and that we got a sneak peek at his um... "goods."

It's 3 Degrees Out...So What?

After about a week of arctic temperatures and wind chills in the negative twenties I've decided that it's about time to give Chicago weather the finger (with utmost respect.) There comes a time when complaining about the weather just won't do anymore and adding one more sweater won't make a difference (except by now you probably can't close your coat and you're waddling down the street like a penguin.) When I looked at the forecast today I almost cried with joy...daily high of 19! This seemed like a perfectly reasonable temperature to wear a dress and my regular coat (not the puffy white one that makes me look like the Michelin girl) and...NO HAT! Imagine that. Ok, I gave in and wore brown over the knee boots but I see that as a purely aesthetic decision with practical consequences because after all they go so well with my Marc Jacobs-y tan bag. Chicago winter will no longer cramp my style and I will be free to wear whatever the fuck I please.

You probably think that I was freezing my ass off and looked like a fool. Actually, quite the opposite. My body got used to this kind of weather and a little gust of wind does not even phase me anymore. Sure, people on the train this morning gave me more than one odd stare but I wasn't the one looking silly in my full-on winter gear (face masks, anyone?) As long as there's no blizzard I'm good to go for the rest of the winter which is AT LEAST 2 more months!! You know, as long as I don't get pneumonia...

Man Candy

There you go, LBL! Are you happy now, you biotch? Luv you! KBYE!

Love Stinks

The countdown to Valentine's Day has begun. Less than a month to go! Do you know what you're giving your sweetheart this year? Maybe that box of artfully wrapped chocolates, or a pair of red boxers with pink hearts on them? All wonderful choices that *truly* express your feelings of love.


My problem with Valentine's day is not the intention behind it, which I find rather sweet and noble (yeah, I do have a heart...sometimes.) My problem is with the over-the-top commercialization of it. Sure, we can expect that to happen with just about everything but Valentine's Day in particular has been blown to atrocious proportions in more than one way.

First let's deal with the wonderful selection of craptastic products that you can buy. We have teddy bears, chocolate roses, boxes of chocolate, chocolate in every imaginable form, cheap lingerie, hearts everything, jewelry, cards, etc. Did you know that most lingerie during this time of year is sold to MEN? Yep. Sometimes I wonder if we're really supposed to like what they market to us. Are crotchless red lace panties *really* necessary? No. Are they sexy? Um...maybe to some men, none that I've met. And if you do wear them, what kind of message does it send? Yep, that you're a big fucking slut. I think that trashy lingerie is like the clothing equivalent of Cosmo. It doesn't really represent sexuality or kinkiness, just a packaged mainstream version of it that doesn't even scratch the surface of the human libido. It's easily accessible and digestible; it's what someone out there wants to make us believe is sexy. But there is no one sexy fits all here. But I digress. My question then is: "Does something you buy for 29.99 really represent love?" I'm not against buying gifts per se but if you are then it'd better be something thoughtful and not just something you pick up on the fly just because.

Which brings me to my next point: the pressure put on EVERYONE. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation. If you're single, you feel completely left out and inadequate because you don't have someone to take you out to dinner and give you above-mentioned crotchless panties. If you're in a relationship the pressure is even greater. So much seems to hinge on this fateful date of February 14. You do too little and you're fucked (not in the good way), you do too much and then you're fucked too! It seems that Valentine's Day is the be all or end all of relationships. And if you make it through with your heart and head still in one piece then "Congratufuckinglations."

If you were thinking that by the end of this I'll have offered some advice or solutions to this plight then I'm sorry to disappoint you. All I can hope for is that I won't lose my head entirely...at least until the next big holiday!

Heath Ledger- RIP

The entertainment world is still in shock after the untimely death of Heath Ledger. I am too. It's incredibly sad that such a young, promising actor would pass away so suddenly.

From the moment I saw him in "10 Things I Hate About You" I was completely in love with him. As it turns out, he was definitely more than just a pretty face and a killer smile. The roles he played in his all too short career were incredibly varied (no crappy action movies here...well, except maybe the one where he played the knight) and proved his versatility as an actor. He will be missed.

Oh, I'll be home watching "10 Things I Hate About You" and crying when the stadium scene comes up. So that's where I'll be.

Adam Levine- just hot or really hot?

Ok, so I didn't want to do two "Man Candy" posts in a row today that's why I'm going to disguise this one as some music babble. Actually, part of what makes Adam Levine so hot is his music. I've been a closeted Maroon 5 fan for a while now (details of which I won't go into) but now I'm out and it feels SOOOO good. Listening to Levine's sexy voice on my way to work every morning is exactly the kind of pick me up I need before my first cup of coffee. His lyrics are enough to make me want to drop my panties. I guess what I like about him is that he's not afraid to write racy lyrics but at the same time he does it tastefully and they don't come across as vulgar. Also, any man who sings about wanting to pleasure a woman orally is OK in my book (see "Kiwi"). AMEN

Man Candy- MLK Edition

Man Candy

"That's mental! I'm Clive Owen." - Clive Owen in Extras (one of the best shows ever made)
You can check out the video in question here!! Click it!! NOW!
But yeah, Clive is one of the sexiest, most badass motherfuckers out there.

Man Candy

First ever politician to be featured here on "Man Candy." Well, I saw him in person and he's definitely worthy of this honor.

Obama Mama

Oh Jesus. I don't think I've been so starstruck EVER! I was on my way to buying a diet Coke at 900 N. Michigan, on the 5th floor and there he was! Barack Obama! He was really low key, wearing jeans and a baseball cap. He was obviously trying to go incognito but he's so recognizable. just made eye contact and smiled and he smiled back. My heart skipped a beat...

The Straight Dope

Yep, stolen from the Straight Dope message board...check it out sometime. What I love about the following piece is that it perfectly exemplifies what's wrong with this country. Um, basically...a lot of things are. But instead of the government focusing its energy into fixing these problems (crumbling health care and social security systems, war in Iraq, regressive economy, and of course, Mexicans) it somehow tries to avoid even dealing with these problems by diverting the country's attention somewhere else. But anyway, read for yourself because I don't do it justice.

"Fifty years later, does America need a stupider motto?

---

1956 was of course the worst year that the United States had ever faced. Wracked by turmoil and social upheaval, beset by enemies within and without, the nation thrashed about like a dying, constipated beast. Whole cities crumbled into ruin amid the chaos as American society teetered on the very brink of collapse. The horror of that time has made the name of Eisenhower synonymous with anarchy even to this day. My father would never talk about how he and his family survived those grim times.

Fortunately, in the very nick of time, legislators realized the true cause of the crisis: America's national motto wasn't stupid enough. Like all of the country's other woes, this disaster could ultimately be traced back to that most sinister of Americans, Thomas Jefferson. The same treacherous impulses that led him to betray his rightful King also inevitably prompted him to sabotage the fledgling nation by giving it the worst possible state motto: E pluribus unum. Not only was this an unforgivably pompous classical reference, its subversive message-- "out of many, one--" would result in a catastrophic tradition of escalating tolerance and unity that was doomed to tear the country apart in less than two hundred years.

With Jefferson's nefarious plan finally revealed, the government was faced with the challenge of selecting a stupider, less tolerant motto to more accurately embody the national character. A list was compiled of various candidates such as "no loitering," "if you're so smart why ain't you rich?" and "whites only." However, at last "In God we trust," a judiciously recycled version of the Confederate States of America's motto "God will vindicate," was chosen for its historical resonance, potential for divisiveness, and general inappropriateness. Legislators also remarked favorably on its weirdly bass-ackwards phrasing, "which calls to mind the speech of a comical Chinaman, or of some type of puppet from a science fiction serial of some kind." The motto proved its worth immediately, as its blandly pious presence on American currency spurred an unparalleled economic boom, resulting in an age of renewed prosperity that lasted until the Carter years.

Yet now, five decades later, threats to America are on the rise once more. There's the war on Christmas, of course; and also Iraq's unprovoked invasion of the United States, which continues to cost the lives of American soldiers. Iran and North Korea could launch a nuclear attack on American cities at any time, if indeed they haven't already, and Mexicans continue to occur. Is it once again time to safeguard ourselves with a new, even stupider motto? Perhaps "In God and Jesus we trust really; in fact their voices inside our heads we often hear," or "are you ready for some football?!""

10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have!!!

Cosmopolitan magazine's sex tips are what I like to call "sex for retards." Either 1) these people are really clueless about sex or 2) they'd like to think that YOU are clueless about sex. Every month, Cosmo comes up with the same trite stuff about sex. For example, last month's cover story was "Dirty Sexy Sex." Wow! As if sex before wasn't both sexy and dirty and Cosmo just came up with that concept. What a novel idea! Anyway, here goes, the top 10 things a guy wants:

1. HE WANTS A GIRL WHO CAN TURN HERSELF ON
No, duh? Really? You mean I can have sex AND masturbate at the same time? Aaaaand moving on...

2. HE WANTS SEX TO BE FUN
Because you know...girls want sex to be boring.

3. HE WANTS YOU TO DROP HINTS
What other earth shattering discoveries will Cosmo come up with? Maybe...

4. HE WANTS TO WATCH
Ohmygawd! I had no clue! (*rolls eyes*)

5. HE WANTS YOU TO BE NAUGHTY
This is just getting repetitive at this point.

6. HE WANTS A "WOW, WHAT WAS THAT?" EXPERIENCE
"If you've mastered one particular technique that's really hot and different, the entire erotic experience will stand out in his mind," explains psychologist Joel Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie.

Now, you don't have to bust out a complicated trick best used by yoga instructors — just tweak an old standby, say, switching between oral sex and intercourse...with him blindfolded.

YAWN!!!!

7. HE WANTS TO MIX THINGS UP
Is this over yet? I might just have to fake it to get out of this.

8. HE WANTS NOOKY OUT OF NOWHERE
No comment

9. HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU
Gee, I really hope so.

10. HE WANTS TO DO NOTHING SOMETIMES
Like just sit on the couch and watch football?

Ok, so what did we learn from all this? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Cosmo gives sex advice as given by a 5th grader. It's a complete waste of time so don't even bother (that's why I do the dirty work) with it. Really, honestly...it's not worth it.

Savage Love

Question that stumped Dan Savage:
"My wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and take part in some pretty heavy activities. One we haven’t tried but are anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous membranes, e.g., nostrils, clit, and anal tissues. Our question: what would we use to cool the burn should the application of Tabasco sauce to her anus or clit prove to be too much for her to endure? —Master & Servant"

Chemskank reply:
"Re: Tabasco sauce.The active ingredient in Tabasco is capsaicin and it's an acidic amide. It works by depolarizing the brain's neurons. Ok, so what does that mean? It f***ing stings! Milk is actually a good remedy because it has a basic pH which neutralizes acidity. Another option is lidocaine gel, which competes with the capsaicin brain receptors. Good luck."

I'm so glad my chemistry degree finally proved to be useful!
I also encourage everyone to read the Savage Love column, if you aren't already.

John Mayer's Guitar Face...Endless Entertainment

John Mayer has the most impressive range of guitar faces I've ever seen. Ok, so maybe he looks like he might cum all over his guitar at any moment but his facial expressions are amazing. There's the pure ecstasy face, the "I'm pissed but still enjoying this" face, the "it's so good it hurts" face, and many more.
Just imagine...this is what Jessica Simspon saw every night she was with him! Which brings me to the question: "Can you fake guitar face?"

Man Candy

Ok, so this is for all of you Batman fanatics out there (and I *know* there are some boys among you that just worship this man). Much like a double espresso, a double shot of Christian Bale does not disappoint. Plus, it's been a while since the last "Man Candy" installment.

*Update: It has been called to my attention that Christian Bale is "so much more than Batman." This is what a fellow chemskank had to say:

"His boyhood hip thrusts in Newsies make you want to break a certain statutory rape law."

Americal Apparel- love to hate or hate to love?

Much has been written about American Apparel (AA). For those who have been living under a rock, AA is a clothing company that boasts vertical integration, sweatshop free factories, and employees/models that look like softcore 70's porn stars. The CEO also looks a lot like a 70's porn star (hence the aesthetic?) Many were outraged over their ads which are splashed all over Manhattan (particularly on the LES) and other major cities. They often depict a doe-eyed young girl (early 20s probably but looking much younger) wearing some variation on a thong unitard and leggings combo posing suggestively. The photos look like they were taken with a polaroid camera, adding to that porn-y feel. Exhibit A:

So here's my dilemma. Although I dislike their ad campaigns and seeming objectification of women, I kinda also dig their clothes. Not all of them, of course. You'll never see me running around in previously mentioned thong unitard or gold lame leggings but the rest of the stuff is basic and perfect for mixing and matching. For example, they have this amazing cotton dress that can be worn at least a dozen different ways that became part of my summer wardrobe. Another one I really really like is the color-block scoop neck dress. Their tshirts are amazingly soft and fit like a glove. And yet, whenever anyone asks where I bought the dress/shirt I'm wearing, my head lowers in shame as I whisper "American Apparel." Should I really be ashamed of it? IT'S JUST A SHIRT! As long as I don't act and look like a cheap slut I think it's ok. Plus, spending 20 bucks on a cotton tshirt is justifiable when you know it wasn't made by a ten year old Malaysian girl getting paid a couple of cents a day for her labor.

Radar- Pop, Politics, Scandal, Style

Finally, a magazine worth subscribing to. It took me a while to get my hands on a copy since its re-launch in 2006 (previous release in 2005, but I blame my immaturity for the oversight.) This time I blame it the glossy magazines luring me towards them with sensationalist headlines. Well, I eventually took notice when their September 2007 cover re-created the infamous Vanity Fair photo (the one with naked Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson alongside Tom Ford) but instead used Obama, Clinton, and Giuliani as the subjects (photoshopped, of course.) And just like the cover suggested, it didn’t disappoint. I was hooked. I filled out the subscription card and mailed it right away, then eagerly awaited for my next issue.

Radar tackles the entire range of pop culture, politics, and fashion. It is smart, irreverent, and not afraid to turn a critical eye on everything and everyone. Unlike Vice, it is more accessible to the general public but that is not to say that it sacrifices wit for accessibility. On the contrary, the articles and photospreads are more socially relevant to American (and global) culture as a whole than Vice’s self-indulgent hipsterdom.

But reader beware, if you’re looking for something to read while running on the treadmill or passing time at the hair salon this is not for you. Radar requires some active reading and thinking. Attention to detail is paramount; the mag is filled with small columns alongside its meatier fare but overlooking them would be a shame. I’d also suggest that you read it in the privacy of your own home since about 50% of the content will cause uncontrollable fits of laughter. Unless you like public humiliation, of course. My favorite regular columns are by far “The Radar 100” and “Sindex.”

The latest issue, in a nod to Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove, features G.W. riding a nuke (bourbon and Bible in hand, bien sur). Brilliant!

Happy New Year!

First off I guess I should apologize for the expletive-filled previous post. I was very angry and frustrated by United Airlines. Thankfully, that whole nightmare wasn’t an indication of how the rest of the trip turned out to be. And I ended up on a flight pretty soon after the post…in first class, no less. Holy shit, they have glasses made out of *real* glass, not plastic. I officially reached baller status!

OK, so 2008 is here. Time for resolutions, right? Please, don’t make me laugh. What’s the point of them? Most people break their resolutions anyway so making them in the first place is just wishful thinking (not to mention a waste of 5 minutes.) As if some arbitrarily appointed time reference is somehow going to affect our willpower! I’m most annoyed with people trying to lead a healthier lifestyle…because ringing in the new year with a boozy party is definitely the best way to start off on the right foot. Two years ago in college I actually stuck to the healthy thing…for about 2 weeks. Then school started and the late-night debauchery began. Complete with 3 AM fast food runs. Since then I just gave up on it. And so should you! Living a life of moderation is best left for the 40-something crowd. You’ve got your whole adult life ahead to be responsible so enjoy a little irresponsibility while you still can.

Now *that’s* a resolution I can stick to!