I got this work e-mail which I found absolutely hilarious. So here it is (with edits, duh)
"The Holiday season is a prime time for criminal activity and shopping puts a greater number of people at risk [ed: you might break an arm or two wrestling that 300-pound woman for the last Wii at Best Buy]. For this reason we like to share the following Holiday Safety Tips with you [ed: not really but we are required by law to do it].
IN THE OFFICE
Lock your cash and valuables in a cabinet or a drawer.
Do not leave cash, wallets or purses on top of your desk[ed: um, hello? is this news?].
Do not leave shopping bags unattended.
If you are working late, inform someone that you will be staying late.
The ABA is not responsible for personal property [ed: The ABA is only responsible for pursuing justice and defending liberty].
Before entering, look at the person occupying the elevator. If uneasy[ed: meaning if they're black, hispanic, or wearing traditional Islamic dress], wait for the next elevator.
If you notice the person in the elevator hasn’t pushed a floor indicator button, do not get off at your floor [ed: really, they just want to blow up the elevator]. Go back to the lobby and report suspicious activity.
Stand near the control button. If attacked or threatened, sound alarm. Also push the buttons for two or three floors [ed: you'll want to throw them off, keep them on their toes].
IN PUBLIC AREAS
Plan your route [ed: make that route known to possible perps]. Avoid shortcuts through deserted parks, vacant lots and unlit passages.
Beware of pickpockets. Watch out for anyone who jostles you. It may be accidental but then again, it may not.
In restaurants or taverns be aware of strangers [ed: DAMN! I wish they had told me this earlier!]. Avoid giving your full name, residency or location [ed: ok, I'm in trouble]."