10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have!!!

Cosmopolitan magazine's sex tips are what I like to call "sex for retards." Either 1) these people are really clueless about sex or 2) they'd like to think that YOU are clueless about sex. Every month, Cosmo comes up with the same trite stuff about sex. For example, last month's cover story was "Dirty Sexy Sex." Wow! As if sex before wasn't both sexy and dirty and Cosmo just came up with that concept. What a novel idea! Anyway, here goes, the top 10 things a guy wants:

1. HE WANTS A GIRL WHO CAN TURN HERSELF ON
No, duh? Really? You mean I can have sex AND masturbate at the same time? Aaaaand moving on...

2. HE WANTS SEX TO BE FUN
Because you know...girls want sex to be boring.

3. HE WANTS YOU TO DROP HINTS
What other earth shattering discoveries will Cosmo come up with? Maybe...

4. HE WANTS TO WATCH
Ohmygawd! I had no clue! (*rolls eyes*)

5. HE WANTS YOU TO BE NAUGHTY
This is just getting repetitive at this point.

6. HE WANTS A "WOW, WHAT WAS THAT?" EXPERIENCE
"If you've mastered one particular technique that's really hot and different, the entire erotic experience will stand out in his mind," explains psychologist Joel Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie.

Now, you don't have to bust out a complicated trick best used by yoga instructors — just tweak an old standby, say, switching between oral sex and intercourse...with him blindfolded.

YAWN!!!!

7. HE WANTS TO MIX THINGS UP
Is this over yet? I might just have to fake it to get out of this.

8. HE WANTS NOOKY OUT OF NOWHERE
No comment

9. HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU
Gee, I really hope so.

10. HE WANTS TO DO NOTHING SOMETIMES
Like just sit on the couch and watch football?

Ok, so what did we learn from all this? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Cosmo gives sex advice as given by a 5th grader. It's a complete waste of time so don't even bother (that's why I do the dirty work) with it. Really, honestly...it's not worth it.

Savage Love

Question that stumped Dan Savage:
"My wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and take part in some pretty heavy activities. One we haven’t tried but are anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous membranes, e.g., nostrils, clit, and anal tissues. Our question: what would we use to cool the burn should the application of Tabasco sauce to her anus or clit prove to be too much for her to endure? —Master & Servant"

Chemskank reply:
"Re: Tabasco sauce.The active ingredient in Tabasco is capsaicin and it's an acidic amide. It works by depolarizing the brain's neurons. Ok, so what does that mean? It f***ing stings! Milk is actually a good remedy because it has a basic pH which neutralizes acidity. Another option is lidocaine gel, which competes with the capsaicin brain receptors. Good luck."

I'm so glad my chemistry degree finally proved to be useful!
I also encourage everyone to read the Savage Love column, if you aren't already.

John Mayer's Guitar Face...Endless Entertainment

John Mayer has the most impressive range of guitar faces I've ever seen. Ok, so maybe he looks like he might cum all over his guitar at any moment but his facial expressions are amazing. There's the pure ecstasy face, the "I'm pissed but still enjoying this" face, the "it's so good it hurts" face, and many more.
Just imagine...this is what Jessica Simspon saw every night she was with him! Which brings me to the question: "Can you fake guitar face?"

Man Candy

Ok, so this is for all of you Batman fanatics out there (and I *know* there are some boys among you that just worship this man). Much like a double espresso, a double shot of Christian Bale does not disappoint. Plus, it's been a while since the last "Man Candy" installment.

*Update: It has been called to my attention that Christian Bale is "so much more than Batman." This is what a fellow chemskank had to say:

"His boyhood hip thrusts in Newsies make you want to break a certain statutory rape law."

Americal Apparel- love to hate or hate to love?

Much has been written about American Apparel (AA). For those who have been living under a rock, AA is a clothing company that boasts vertical integration, sweatshop free factories, and employees/models that look like softcore 70's porn stars. The CEO also looks a lot like a 70's porn star (hence the aesthetic?) Many were outraged over their ads which are splashed all over Manhattan (particularly on the LES) and other major cities. They often depict a doe-eyed young girl (early 20s probably but looking much younger) wearing some variation on a thong unitard and leggings combo posing suggestively. The photos look like they were taken with a polaroid camera, adding to that porn-y feel. Exhibit A:

So here's my dilemma. Although I dislike their ad campaigns and seeming objectification of women, I kinda also dig their clothes. Not all of them, of course. You'll never see me running around in previously mentioned thong unitard or gold lame leggings but the rest of the stuff is basic and perfect for mixing and matching. For example, they have this amazing cotton dress that can be worn at least a dozen different ways that became part of my summer wardrobe. Another one I really really like is the color-block scoop neck dress. Their tshirts are amazingly soft and fit like a glove. And yet, whenever anyone asks where I bought the dress/shirt I'm wearing, my head lowers in shame as I whisper "American Apparel." Should I really be ashamed of it? IT'S JUST A SHIRT! As long as I don't act and look like a cheap slut I think it's ok. Plus, spending 20 bucks on a cotton tshirt is justifiable when you know it wasn't made by a ten year old Malaysian girl getting paid a couple of cents a day for her labor.

Radar- Pop, Politics, Scandal, Style

Finally, a magazine worth subscribing to. It took me a while to get my hands on a copy since its re-launch in 2006 (previous release in 2005, but I blame my immaturity for the oversight.) This time I blame it the glossy magazines luring me towards them with sensationalist headlines. Well, I eventually took notice when their September 2007 cover re-created the infamous Vanity Fair photo (the one with naked Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson alongside Tom Ford) but instead used Obama, Clinton, and Giuliani as the subjects (photoshopped, of course.) And just like the cover suggested, it didn’t disappoint. I was hooked. I filled out the subscription card and mailed it right away, then eagerly awaited for my next issue.

Radar tackles the entire range of pop culture, politics, and fashion. It is smart, irreverent, and not afraid to turn a critical eye on everything and everyone. Unlike Vice, it is more accessible to the general public but that is not to say that it sacrifices wit for accessibility. On the contrary, the articles and photospreads are more socially relevant to American (and global) culture as a whole than Vice’s self-indulgent hipsterdom.

But reader beware, if you’re looking for something to read while running on the treadmill or passing time at the hair salon this is not for you. Radar requires some active reading and thinking. Attention to detail is paramount; the mag is filled with small columns alongside its meatier fare but overlooking them would be a shame. I’d also suggest that you read it in the privacy of your own home since about 50% of the content will cause uncontrollable fits of laughter. Unless you like public humiliation, of course. My favorite regular columns are by far “The Radar 100” and “Sindex.”

The latest issue, in a nod to Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove, features G.W. riding a nuke (bourbon and Bible in hand, bien sur). Brilliant!

Happy New Year!

First off I guess I should apologize for the expletive-filled previous post. I was very angry and frustrated by United Airlines. Thankfully, that whole nightmare wasn’t an indication of how the rest of the trip turned out to be. And I ended up on a flight pretty soon after the post…in first class, no less. Holy shit, they have glasses made out of *real* glass, not plastic. I officially reached baller status!

OK, so 2008 is here. Time for resolutions, right? Please, don’t make me laugh. What’s the point of them? Most people break their resolutions anyway so making them in the first place is just wishful thinking (not to mention a waste of 5 minutes.) As if some arbitrarily appointed time reference is somehow going to affect our willpower! I’m most annoyed with people trying to lead a healthier lifestyle…because ringing in the new year with a boozy party is definitely the best way to start off on the right foot. Two years ago in college I actually stuck to the healthy thing…for about 2 weeks. Then school started and the late-night debauchery began. Complete with 3 AM fast food runs. Since then I just gave up on it. And so should you! Living a life of moderation is best left for the 40-something crowd. You’ve got your whole adult life ahead to be responsible so enjoy a little irresponsibility while you still can.

Now *that’s* a resolution I can stick to!