Cosmopolitan magazine's sex tips are what I like to call "sex for retards." Either 1) these people are really clueless about sex or 2) they'd like to think that YOU are clueless about sex. Every month, Cosmo comes up with the same trite stuff about sex. For example, last month's cover story was "Dirty Sexy Sex." Wow! As if sex before wasn't both sexy and dirty and Cosmo just came up with that concept. What a novel idea! Anyway, here goes, the top 10 things a guy wants:
1. HE WANTS A GIRL WHO CAN TURN HERSELF ON
No, duh? Really? You mean I can have sex AND masturbate at the same time? Aaaaand moving on...
2. HE WANTS SEX TO BE FUN
Because you know...girls want sex to be boring.
3. HE WANTS YOU TO DROP HINTS
What other earth shattering discoveries will Cosmo come up with? Maybe...
4. HE WANTS TO WATCH
Ohmygawd! I had no clue! (*rolls eyes*)
5. HE WANTS YOU TO BE NAUGHTY
This is just getting repetitive at this point.
6. HE WANTS A "WOW, WHAT WAS THAT?" EXPERIENCE
"If you've mastered one particular technique that's really hot and different, the entire erotic experience will stand out in his mind," explains psychologist Joel Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie.
Now, you don't have to bust out a complicated trick best used by yoga instructors — just tweak an old standby, say, switching between oral sex and intercourse...with him blindfolded.
YAWN!!!!
7. HE WANTS TO MIX THINGS UP
Is this over yet? I might just have to fake it to get out of this.
8. HE WANTS NOOKY OUT OF NOWHERE
No comment
9. HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU
Gee, I really hope so.
10. HE WANTS TO DO NOTHING SOMETIMES
Like just sit on the couch and watch football?
Ok, so what did we learn from all this? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Cosmo gives sex advice as given by a 5th grader. It's a complete waste of time so don't even bother (that's why I do the dirty work) with it. Really, honestly...it's not worth it.
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