OMFG!! Jen and John??! NO WAY

There’s nothing remotely intelligent, educational, or insightful about celebrity gossip magazines. They are held to an editorial standard slightly above The National Enquirer but slightly below Cosmo. But they sure as hell are entertaining whenever you need mindless fun. Tabloids are the equivalent of E! News in the world of print (and I fucking LOVE E! News)

After years of research (trust me on this one) I’ve discovered that there are certain things that must be included in order to have a successful issue:

Lovely ladies in lovely frocks (and the budget swaps)
Gratuitous celebrity beach shots
Who’s hooking up/breaking up
Brangelina and/or TomKat rumor du jour
Style winners and losers
Start getting thin/fat
Baby or wedding pics
Diet tips

The good folk over at People, Life&Style, OK!, Star, InTouch, and US Weekly toil their surely little asses every week to satisfy your sick obsession with celebrity. But not all mags are created equal…well, they are but some are more equal than others. It’s a mad mag world out there and it can be daunting for the tabloid novice. Where to start? Good question. My evaluation of the leading celeb rags as follows:

People- caters to the celebrities themselves so you can be sure that there are not so many outlandish rumors in it; generally reliable info but skews towards the blah in entertainment value.

OK!- celeb kiss asses. I’d suggest reading it only after all other options have been exhausted. Also, what the fuck is up with the exclamation point at the end.

Life&Style- heavy on the style. You can be sure to find at least 10 pages dedicated to the latest trends, what your favorite anorexic starlet is wearing and how to replicate the look. Being an irredeemable clotheswhore, I kinda like this one, anorexic starlets aside.

US Weekly- latest gossip. There’s always something on the non-existent Jen/Angelina drama and Jessica Simpson’s love life. Great gym read.

Star- the grande dame of tabloids, here you can find the most ridiculous, salacious cover stories and rumors. Thoroughly entertaining. Star also seems to have an obsession with celebrity bodies as there is always a story on celebs with cellulite, weight loss, and “scary skinny” celebs. It’s a mixed bag.

InTouch- Star lite. I don't care for it.