Meat is Good

I have a very half-assed theory that life’s pleasure can be measured in calories. Generally speaking, the more calories a certain food item has the more enjoyable it is. For example: a low-fat turkey burger v. a regular, fatty beef burger (and I’m not talking about that frozen shit either). So my theory has a lot of holes in it since low-cal food CAN be absolutely delicious but that’s why I said it’s half-assed in the first place.

My point is that I love to eat. Eating good food is up there among life’s biggest pleasures alongside sex and particularly good books. People say that you should eat to live, not the other way around, and I say “Fuck that!” I live to eat. Give me medium rare steaks, mussels in white wine sauce, escargots in garlic butter, foie gras, poached salmon, pork tenderloin, shrimp alfredo, duck confit, pommes frites, and as much mayo and butter that can be possibly ingested and I’ll be the happiest person alive. Sure, all this food excess is not without negative side effects. Like senior year of college when I gained at least 15 pounds thanks to a steady diet of fried pub food and beer, washed down with the occasional bottle of red wine. Or when I gorged on corned beef and chopped liver at 2nd Ave. Deli. Or the many, many times when I threw up after a particularly fun night of binge drinking. But is a little nausea or vomiting going to stop me? Hell no. I soldier on, eating my way through burgers, chocolate cakes, pad thai, and potato gratin like it’s my business.

There is no food that’s off limits for me and nothing pisses me off more than picky eaters. And vegetarians with hoity-toity attitudes of superiority. Humans were born to eat meat and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. So maybe my daily diet is not exactly a meat-fest but when it’s time to bring my A-game to the table I bring it. Yeah, my body might temporarily go into ketosis but that’s a small price to pay for enjoying sublime food. I eat whatever strikes my fancy and I feel really bad for people who religiously plan their meals everyday and count calories and fat content. That’s no way to live. I’ll try anything once because how will I know if I’ll like something if I never try it? I’ll just as happily eat at the local Mexican joint where they serve up fried burritos and enchiladas con mole as I’ll eat at a four-star restaurant where everything is drenched in truffle oil and foie gras. What I won’t eat is ridiculously over-processed food like American “cheese.” That shit is not even food and should be banned.

This quote by Anthony Bourdain, complete asshole, elitist, ex-junkie, and one of my personal heroes sums it up best:

“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”
from Kitchen Confidential