Fashion Misdemeanors

Ah, springtime in the big city. It is now that the air gets heavier and heavier with pollution and the sound of construction resonates in my ears 24/7. Truly one of the best times of the year. But along with sunshine comes a deplorable sense of fashion. You'd think that this is the time to break out the flirty dresses and peep toe shoes. NOPE! Here I've compiled a list of the most retinally offensive clothing I can imagine for the season:


FLORAL SKIRTS- not just ANY kind of floral skirts because the idea of floral skirts is quite lovely. I'm talking about ghosts of Easters past: dowdy, shapeless. and generally unflattering. For full effect pair with sheer black hose and ratty gym shoes.
RX: get thee a nice pair of flats/sandals and an A-line skirt that hit right below the knees. Ditch the sheer hose, invest in self-tanner.

KHAKI PANTS- how I missed thee, tapered, high waisted khaki pants! It's the return of the mom jean. And the pleats! Also de rigeur are a pink striped polo and "sensible" (aka ugly) sandals. Optional: short bowl cut or mom shag.
RX: flat front, flat front, flat front. And straight/bootcut legs. Also, ballet flats.


GYM SHOES W/SKIRTS- see above. What is wrong with people!!!??? OMFG!
RX: BALLET FLATS...cannot emphasize enough


CAPRI PANTS- not acceptable on anyone over a size 8-10, particularly if they're baggy and hit mid calf.
RX: may I suggest a nice bonfire under the highway?